I Miss My Mom

Tomorrow will be two years since I lost my mom to cancer.  I really, really, really, really miss her today.  I miss her every day, but I really miss her on days like today.  My mom was my best friend.  There was nothing I would keep from her.  We could talk on the phone for an hour about anything and everything and still be able to talk the next day for another hour.  I loved her with all my heart.  She was my anchor that kept me grounded when I was about to blow away.  She always had the right thing to say when I was allowing the Devil to bring me down.  She never quoted scripture to me.  She would say things like, “Like the bible says, you need to shake the dust from your sandals and move forward with God’s strength.”

If you recall from the “About” article, that I wrote on my first day of blogging, I started this blog in hopes that it helped fill that void I had once she died.  I don’t know if this blog really took that void away, but I know it helped me get things out of my head and that felt good.  I really think the void in my heart has been slowly healing each new day, with God’s help.  After my Mom died, I would cry every morning on the way to work.  I would pray for God to help me through the day.  I would wonder what the point was and why we were even on this earth.  My mom died, so nothing seemed to matter.  I was never at a point of wanting to commit suicide, but the idea of getting killed in a car wreck or something did not scare me.  I would think to myself, “At least I could see my mom again.”  I had a hard time finding a lot of pleasure in life.

I went through all of this with the help of some antidepressants that I had already been taking before my mom’s death.  So I don’t want to think what it would have been like without the help of them.  During that time, I had acquired a special motto “Life sucks and then you die!”  My friends and family would hear that coming out of my mouth several times a day.  After awhile my motto changed to “Life sucks, but unfortunately death isn’t coming soon enough.”  Nowadays I only use those sayings for special occasions.  I’d have to say that is an improvement.

I also acquired a special trigger phrase that would make me go off on a tangent until I was in tears.  All I had to do was hear my kids cry “But it’s not fair” a few times and then they would be in trouble.  I would start off saying “It’s not fair, it’s not fair?!?!  Let me tell you what is not fair!  My Mom is died and she is never coming back.  What’s not fair is that I will not get to see her on holidays.  What’s not fair is that she will not be here when you have a special occasion.  What’s not fair is that I can never talk to my mom again.  So don’t tell me it’s not fair, because it is nothing compared to what is not fair in my life!”  By then I would normally be in tears and screaming the last of my speech.  Did it get through to my kids.  Sometimes it did and they would apologize for whining about something stupid.  Other times they would come back with, “But it’s not fair Mom.” and I would have to walk away so that I didn’t lose my mind and kill them.  My kids started to recognize the beginning of my speech, so when they heard me start saying, “Do you know what is not fair?”  They would say, “Yeah, yeah, we know Mom, grandma died and it’s not fair.”  But they would still have to hear the rest of the speech from me.  “It’s not fair”, will still get me hot under the collar if I am having a bad day.  But it doesn’t make me see red quite as fast.  So my kids don’t hear my speech quite as often.  I guess you could say that is some improvement.

I have found stronger bonds with my family, especially my older sister.  She has had to take on the role of mom a lot.  I will call her about things that I would normally call Mom about.  I would also call her to share my loss for mom.  We could cry together and get each other through the hard times.  She often tells me that I do the same for her, but there are times I think it’s more a one-sided deal.  I think I am leaning on her more than she has had to lean on me.  Needless to say, I am very thankful I have her there.  I have two older brothers too and although I don’t talk to them as much, I know they are there for me.  I hope they also know that I am there for them too.  Thankfully, I still have my Dad on this earth.  I love him deeply, but he is just not Mom.  He has gotten remarried after my mom passed away.  His new wife is nice, but I don’t think I can ever think of her as my mom.  However, I am glad she is there for my kids to call Grandma.  I know my kids miss not having my mom here and so they feel better knowing they still have four grandparents.  All of my family live in different states, so I don’t see them on a regular basis.  But we try to stay in touch via phone and Facebook.

I have also found closer friendship with some of my mom’s family and friends.  I guess I sought them out in hopes to get a little closer to mom.  Like my mom’s older sister.  I have always had a love for my Aunt, but I never had the intimate conversations I have with her now.  I also have reached out to some of my parents old friends.  They were all young married couples, raising babies, struggling to make ends meet while the husbands were serving their country.  They had kept in touch and I was still living at home when my parents took some trips to see their old friends again.  So I have more of a connection to my parent’s old friends then my older siblings do.  But after mom passed away, I started having more intimate conversations with them too.  I have even found a close bond to my husband’s aunt.  I think it is because she was raised Catholic and she is one of the few people who I can talk to about Mom and the Catholic faith.  You see, my Mom and Dad both converted to the Catholic faith together when I was still living at home.  After about two years of attending mass with them as a non-Catholic, I finally converted too.  Mom’s Catholic faith was very important to her, so when Mom passed away and my Dad left the Catholic church it hurt me more than any of the other siblings.  All of my other siblings belong to other denominations.  Their theory is that as long as Dad is going to a church with his new wife, that is all that matters.  It has been good to have Frank’s Aunt to talk to about that portion of my grief.  I am very blessed to have these women in my life now.  They can’t take the place of mom, but they have helped me in so many ways.

All in all, I have my good days and my bad days.  Not long after Mom passed away, I listened to a book on tape by Hope Edelman called “Motherless Daughters”.  It deals more with daughters that lose their mothers at a younger age, but it has some things that touched me.  Hope Edelman has written some other books on that same sort of topic that I have listened too and I have been glad I did.

I know I could go on and on about my grief for my mom, but I must close for now.  Do I miss her any less now that I wrote this post?  No, I still miss her greatly.  However, I can see from all that I shared with you that “I have come a long way, baby”  (That’s something my mom liked to say.  🙂  )  I have found more pleasure in my life.  I have found strengthen deep inside me that I didn’t know I had.  I have found myself resembling my mom more and more, each and every day and I am very proud that I do.  She may be gone from this earth, but I will do all that I can to keep her memory alive.  I find strength knowing that she is watching over me from Heaven.  And I am pretty sure she is proud of what she sees.  To those of you that have lost a parent, I am deeply sorry for your loss.  I know your pain and if it is a fairly new loss, I am here to tell you that it can get better.  Just keep your faith in God and keep looking towards Heaven, because I’m sure your parent is up there watching over you right now.

Good night and God Bless You,

JoAnn Williams

clouds

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