Doubts, Depression and Encouragement (Life After Layoff – Chapter 9)

Lately I’ve been dealing with more depression than normal.  I believe this is because of a variety of reasons, but mostly because of all the unknown and change in my life.  As I said earlier, my mind has played tricks on me.  Trying to get me to take the easy way out.  It doesn’t help when I had an appointment at one of the colleges to meet with an academic adviser on Wednesday, but had to cancel it because my little boy vomited before school that morning.  Needless to say, I was very disappointed in the turn of events.  After having the interview the previous day, I was ready to visit this college and see how long it would take to get my teacher degree.  Then my son got sick.

So I called and canceled my appointment and stayed home to take care of my boy.  When I posted my disappointment on my Facebook page, my ever-wise sister commented the following:

{Still working on your future and his.  You will remember you loved him enough to put him first and so will he.  There is a time for everything.  One step at a time.}

I wanted to be a whiner and cry about my misfortune, but I knew what my sister said was true.  There is a time for everything and that day was not the right day for me to go to that college.  Instead, I was supposed to be with my little one and just be a mom for the day.  I have made a new appointment and hopefully this time everything will work out.

Although there have been some setbacks and some moments of doubt and depression, there has also been signs that I’m on the right path.  The other day I was working Aftercare at my children’s school and one of the 8th grade kids asked when I would be their substitute teacher again.  I was a little moody that day and commented what had been on my mind.

I replied, “Whenever they call me because they are in a desperate need of help and I’m the only one willing to drop everything and come in.”

I know that was not a very grown up response, but that is how I have felt lately.  It seems that when a teacher has an arranged time off, the school gets a different person to substitute.  But when a teacher gets sick during the day and the school is in desperate need of a replacement, I’m the one they call.  This might not be the real scenario, but that’s how my mind sees it.

I guess you could say that I am at a point where I want to BELONG to a school.  I want to be part of the faculty on a daily basis, not just when the school is in need of a one-day hero.  But it did make me feel good to know that one of the 8th grade kids liked having me as a substitute.  At least I know I’m wanted by the students.

Then today at church, I saw a 7th grade boy who had left for a military school half way through the school year.  He had finished 7th grade and will be back to my children’s school next year.  It was an honor to see him decked out in his Junior ROTC uniform.  When I greeted him with a big smile and went to shake his hand, he came over and gave me a hug.  Wow, what a pleasant surprise that was.  It showed me that my presence in his life, no matter how brief, made an impact on him.

These might seem like little coincidences that I’m hoping to be signs, but whether they are or not, I’m going to continue to look at them as signs that I’m going in the right direction with my pursuit to become a teacher.  Because when you are struggling with the doubts in your mind, you need all the encouragement you can find.

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