Too Much Silence (Life After Layoff – Chapter 22)

I never thought I would ever speak these words, but it’s too quiet at home when the kids are at school.  I know that I have waited all summer for this type of silence, but I discovered something about having too much silence.  It gives my mind too much time to think.  I have finally discovered something that I probably have always secretly known, my mind is my worst enemy.  I assume that this is the case for everyone, but then again, I could be wrong.  As for me, I have discovered that when the kids are around, there is so much noise going on that I don’t have much time to think.  The kids act as some sort of buffer between me and my mind.

But when the house is quiet and I’m all alone, my mind starts playing tricks on me.  I start wondering what I will do with the rest of my life.  I wonder if teaching is really for me.  I start to doubt if I can handle a full-time job.  My dream of publishing a book seems unreachable.  I doubt my ability to go back to school.  I turn into a little kid again, I guess.  Where everything seems scary and impossible.  I lose all confidence and faith in myself.

This might seem outrageous to some of you and maybe it is for most people.  Maybe these feelings are coming from my depression.  I don’t know.  But they are real and I find myself struggling with them more and more.  Before you question, I have not stopped taking my antidepressants or changed the dosage.  The only thing that has changed is that I have more quiet time on my hands.  You see, for two months I had to put all my plans on hold, because the kids were out of school for the summer.  Now that the kids are in school, I have no excuse not to go forward with my plans.

There is only one thing holding me back…me.  I am allowing the devil to get on my back and cause me to struggle.  It’s easier to hear his whispers of doubt in my mind, when there is no kids around to distract me.  Because I know that is where the doubt is coming from…the devil.  So maybe I need to adjust some things in my life.  Maybe I need to start doing something that I have always been too busy to do.  Maybe I need to start taking time each day to let God speak to me through the Bible.

Something that I had wanted to do when I lost my job was to read scriptures daily and pray more for people.  In fact, I wanted to learn how to pray the whole rosary, because it is something I have never learned to do.  But somewhere down the road those plans faded away.  Now that I have this quiet time that is consuming me, I guess I need to start doing what I had planned to do…read the bible daily and pray more.  What better place to look for answers than the bible.

So scriptures, here I come.  To find guidance from my creator.  God put me on this earth for a reason and I don’t think it was for me to work in Accounting all my life.  I know he has plans for my life that I can not even comprehend yet.  Things that I would not believe possible.  So I will trust in Him and let Him help me to fight this wave of doubt and fear that the devil has brought into my mind.  Our God is an awesome God!  It’s sad to say, but sometimes I think we as humans forget that.

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