Tag Archive | grief

Valentine Tears

Today is Valentine’s Day!  A day of love, hugs, kisses and gifts and for some, a day of tears.  Not because the person you are dating didn’t buy you a gift.  Not because your spouse forgot to tell you Happy Valentine’s Day.  Not because your children didn’t show appreciation for what you do for them.  In my case, today is a day of tears because a very special Valentine will not arrive from my Mom.

It’s been 5 1/2 years since my mom died of cancer.  My grief for her is not as debilitating as it used to be.  I can go a month or so without missing her to the point of tears.  But on special occasions like Valentine’s Day, I miss her so much.  My mom always had some special Valentine’s gift for my siblings and I.  It could be something simple like a coloring book or just a box of chocolates, but no matter what, she always had a gift for us.  Even when I moved away, she would send me a care package at Valentine’s with a bag of my favorite candy bars, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

When I would call and thank her for remembering, she would tell me that she had to make sure her kids had a special Valentine’s gift from her.  (Yes, she would send care packages to all of her kids.)  Which explains my Valentine’s Day tears.  Memories of her love and care flood me with grief over the fact that she is not on this earth anymore.  Yes, I am an adult and a mother of four, I can go and buy as many Reese’s and I want for myself.  But that’s not the point, the point is that my mom took every opportunity to show me how much I meant to her and I miss the fact that I can’t hear her voice or read a special note that she’s written to me in a card.

I miss my mom today more than others, because it reminds me of how great of a mom she was.  I try my best to be that kind of mom for my kids, but I don’t know if I do it as well as she did.  Yes, I have bought some Valentine chocolates for my kiddos to receive tonight.  Yes, I purchased and helped them make out Valentine cards for their classmates.  And yes, I will most likely pop in during their Valentine’s Day party at school today.  But for some reason, that doesn’t seem like as much as my mom had done for me.  I’m afraid my grief for my mom makes my efforts a little less special for my kids.  But maybe that’s just the Devil trying to pull me down when he knows that I am weak.

So now that I have shared with you the love I have for my mom and the pain and tears that come with Valentine’s Day, I will wipe away the tears and do my best to make this day as special as I can for my kiddos.  So that one day, they too can have fond memories of me on Valentine’s Day.  To all those who find it hard to put aside their grief during this Valentine’s Day, I give you my own words of advice.  Spend a few minutes thinking of the one you lost and remember the great things they did for you.  Then get up and make this day a special day for someone special in your life.  Spread the love that you would have shown to your deceased loved one with someone that needs it most today.  Happy Valentine’s Day to you all!



Some Days Are Harder Than Others

It’s been three and a half years since I lost my mom.  For the most part, I do pretty well.  I got past that part of grief where you wander around trying to figure out what’s the point of living.  I got past that point of feeling hollow inside.  I know that mom is in a much better place and that I’ll see her again.

So when I have a day like I had today, it takes me some time to figure out what is wrong.  I’ve been feeling irritated at everything today.  Feeling out of place and hopeless.  Couple of times, I just wanted to fall to the ground and cry over silly things like a spill that my child made.  It was during one of those clean ups that I realized what was wrong.  I miss my mom.

I miss her everyday, but not in this sad way.  Normally when I miss her, I have a smile on my face, because I know she is watching over me.  So it threw me for a loop when I realized that my problem was that I was grieving for my mom.  But I really shouldn’t be surprised that I miss her around this time.

My mom loved Easter.  When I got older, she would tell me that every time she saw Easter bonnets in the store, she wished her girls were small again.  I just know that my youngest daughter, Ann, would be sporting a new Easter bonnet from Grandma this year if my mom were still alive.

So what’s the point of this post?  For starters, it shows that you can still get sad even after you think you have came to terms with your loss.  Second, it shows that sometimes you can be bothered by something without knowing the reason. 

Third, and very important, enjoy the precious time you have with your loved ones.  You never know if it might not be the last.

I wish you all a blessed and Happy Easter!  May God be by your side on this holy day.


The Purpose of Life

Sorry for being away for so long.  I guess you could say I have writer’s block.  As much as I want to finish my story about Marie, it seems harder and harder to get it out of my head and into my blog.  I had put a deadline on finishing it before her one year surg-iversary, but that didn’t happen.  Maybe that is part of the writer’s block.  Anyway, don’t give up hope, I do plan on finishing it…some day!

Unfortunately, I am not in the story telling mode right now.  I’m in a more philosophic mode, so look out.  🙂

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Patriot Day….9/11

(Disclaimer: The opinions expressed below are that of the author only. It is not my intention to force my beliefs or views onto anyone. If there is anything that offends you in this post, I am deeply sorry.)

Yesterday my kids wore red, white and blue in honor of Patriot Day.  That is the official name for the day we remember and honor those innocent Americans (and international visitors) that died from the senseless terrorists attacks on September 11, 2001.  For those old enough to remember that day, it is better known as 9/11.  I would like to send my condolences to all of the people who lost loved ones on that day.  I also sympathize for those people who are stilling living that traumatic day over and over in their head.  That day, many people in New York, Washington DC and Pennsylvania witnessed first hand the horrifying scenes that they will never be able to get out of their heads.  Truthfully, every American was changed that day.

I decided to look back to that day, twelve years ago, and remember what was happening in my life at that time. Frank and I had been married for 17 months.  Frank had been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes only 7 months earlier.  And on top of that, I was 5 months pregnant with my first born.  That’s quite a bit for anyone to take.  So I was a very emotional 31-year-old pregnant newlywed with a husband that was going through a lot of medical issues.

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I Miss My Mom

Tomorrow will be two years since I lost my mom to cancer.  I really, really, really, really miss her today.  I miss her every day, but I really miss her on days like today.  My mom was my best friend.  There was nothing I would keep from her.  We could talk on the phone for an hour about anything and everything and still be able to talk the next day for another hour.  I loved her with all my heart.  She was my anchor that kept me grounded when I was about to blow away.  She always had the right thing to say when I was allowing the Devil to bring me down.  She never quoted scripture to me.  She would say things like, “Like the bible says, you need to shake the dust from your sandals and move forward with God’s strength.”

If you recall from the “About” article, that I wrote on my first day of blogging, I started this blog in hopes that it helped fill that void I had once she died.  I don’t know if this blog really took that void away, but I know it helped me get things out of my head and that felt good.  I really think the void in my heart has been slowly healing each new day, with God’s help.  After my Mom died, I would cry every morning on the way to work.  I would pray for God to help me through the day.  I would wonder what the point was and why we were even on this earth.  My mom died, so nothing seemed to matter.  I was never at a point of wanting to commit suicide, but the idea of getting killed in a car wreck or something did not scare me.  I would think to myself, “At least I could see my mom again.”  I had a hard time finding a lot of pleasure in life.

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